Motivation is a habit, not a state

I remember reading or hearing something awhile ago, it had to do with motivation.  It struck a chord (or perhaps a nerve) with me in particular, because I used to wonder about all this self-motivation, affirmation, self-improvement stuff.  How come, even though I've read so much of it and practiced so much of it, do I still hit lazy spells and lose motivation?  If it's so effective how come so many people just go back to their old habits?

To answer that question, I have two questions for you:

1. How come you keep getting hungry, even though you keep eating?  You put food into your stomach six hours ago, why is it grumbling again, goddammit??

2. How come you keep feeling sleepy every night?  Didn't you just sleep 4, 5, 6 maybe 7 or 8 hours last night?  Why does this keep happening?

I hope my analogy is pretty clear, but just to be on the safe side: Your mind needs a consistent intake of motivation, just like your body needs a consistent intake of rest and fuel.

I wish I could remember which motivational speaker said this and turned the light bulb on in my head, but I don't.  I want to say it's Tony Robbins or Steven Covey, but then I might be doing a disservice to whoever actually said it.

It made sense to me because I am aware of how most people view motivation: We watch a movie like Rocky or Beautiful Mind, feel wonderful for awhile, are satisfied by that ephemeral feeling, ride it for awhile but decline to make the effort to SUSTAIN it, to keep it going, through daily, ritualistic (and often tedious) practice.  It's the quinessential story for failure: it was fun and exciting at first, became drab or tedious, and we stopped.  The same is true for health, diet, sleep and exercise: if we keep it up even when we don't feel like it, it'll stick around and results will inevitably (but precariously or randomly) appear.  If we quit, the results we have built up will stick around for awhile, but gradually disappear.

I realized this when I developed two habits: think positive thoughts consistently throughout the day, and watch something motivating, positive or optimistic every morning before starting my day.

It starts the same.  At the beginning, it's powerful and I can feel the effects tremendously: I'm pumped, ready to go, wondering why I didn't discover this (or keep this up longer) earlier.  Soon enough, I reach a sort of plateau, where I can think of a dozen "better" things to do.  Eventually, I make excuses: it's been working, I can skip once; it's not that important; I could use the time to play a little poker or check out some interesting website.  Up until now, this was enough to turn the snowball into an avalanche and eventually I'd quit, weeks or months later wondering where my motivation had gone.

Well, I'm pretty sure there's a correlation, because for the past month or so I've been forcing myself to keep up these two habits whether I felt like it or not, whether I did them well or not (kind of like how I feel writing this now.  I'm pretty sure stylistically what I'm doing sucks, but I don't care, it's more important that I do it imperfectly than use imperfection as an excuse not to do anything).  I set up a timer on my iPhone that goes off every hour and reminds me to think something positive, no matter how trivial or minor.  Every morning, some time between 7am and 7:30am, I watch at least one positive, motivating or optimistic video on YouTube, and then listen to some uplifting music.  If, for some reason, I don't have access to YouTube or videos, I read something positive or motivating.  Here are some examples:

These are just a few examples.  Some small, seemingly trivial, some major.  I don't care, whatever makes me want to work harder, exhaust my effort more and contribute.  Watch and GO.  And it's been having an effect.  It's starting to feel natural, just like eating, drinking or sleeping.  It's slowly becoming an integral part of my day, to the point that I actually feel weird or icky if I don't do it.  People who exercise regularly will probably understand what I'm talking about: even if you don't really feel like doing it, you know you'll just feel "wrong" if you don't, so you do it, without really even thinking about it.  Speaking of which, it's about time for me to do a bit of exercise.

Try it.  Every single day, for at least one month, preferably more.  Even if you don't feel like it, even if it's cumbersome or you're tired.  Just do it.  See if it doesn't make a difference.  If it doesn't, you'll have wasted a total of 150 minutes of your month, maybe less.  You were going to waste that watching TV anyway.

If you're not sure what to watch, here are some channels you can check out:
Sean Stephenson
Brian Tracy
Positively Positive
Eric Thomas the Hip Hop Preacher

Or, just check out the "Motivation" and "Positive Videos" playlists on my channel.

 

every morning

Every morning I wake up and yell "Good morning!" as loud as I can, throw open the curtains and make the bed before I have time to realize how sleepy I may (or may not) be that day.

I then ask myself an empowering question.  This morning it was "What am I excited about today??"

Then I set my timer to go off once a hour and make sure there's a positive thought going through my mind at the time.

Then I listen to pump me up music while I exercise.

Then I get some breakfast and take a shower.

Then I watch motivating videos on You Tube while I work until I feel like I'm gonna cry.

One way to start a morning

It's been awhile, so you'll forgive me if my normally beautiful prose style is a bit less than adequate.

In any case, I'm still working on self improvement on a day-to-day basis, particularly in terms of motivation.  I'm pretty much fully focused on a business venture, and I realize that just like the maintenance of one's physical health, mental and psychological health is a day to day practice, an ongoing process, not something you plug in once and then is complete.

Quite awhile ago I read Tony Robbins' book "Awaken the Giant Within."  I am now a fan of Tony Robbins and highly recommend that book, particularly for anyone who feels lost or like they have no direction in life.

Among a myriad of other things, one concept that I got from the book that I've turned into a practice is the habit of asking yourself empowering questions.  I choose one question a day and focus on it.  It's one among many other things I do to get myself going.  Here are my particular questions:

Monday: What am I happy about in my life now?
Tuesday: What am I excited about in my life now?
Wednesday: What am I proud of?
Thursday: What am I grateful for?
Friday: What am I enjoying in my life right now?
Saturday: What am I committed to in my life right now?
Sunday: What do I love?  Who loves me?

Tony Robbins recommends asking all of these quetions every time, but I'm a bit pressed for time, and I found myself rushing through them rather than really contemplating them and allowing my responses to resound through me and really inspire me.  What questions you use in particular, why, how many and how often you ask are not that important; the central idea is to make them positive and inspiring, and hopefully in a way that charges your creativity.

Passion

Watching a video on YouTube on being successful.  This is why I add motivating videos to my favorites.  Sometimes I get lost, or stray, or have to make a choice.  And it's hard.  But sometimes the right message at the right time sets me back on my path.

There are two questions that popped in my mind after watching the video:

1. What am I willing to sacrifice everything for?
2. Even if I could never ever make any money from it, and I had to be poor or broke my entire life no matter how hard I worked at it, what would I STILL do?

The answer was twofold: write and inspire.

I would write stories, movies, books, songs, whatever, that inspired people.  I would write tales of courage, battle, struggle, hardship and overcoming.  I would let people know that life is not easy, but it's worth it, and it can be joyful.

The crossroads I am at has to do with relationships.

I absolutely adore my girlfriend and she is one of the greatest people I have ever met.  But I also love the adventure of the completely free and single life.  I must choose.  But this is not about women and it's not about my girlfriend, it's about my path.  The only thing that matters is what is going to fuel my creative energy, and how can I learn to inspire and connect with people more?  It's a simple question and, like most simple questions, hard.

Here's the video, in case you're curious.

 

Continuation

Last time I went for my goal I was drunk and didn't actually complete it again, so I decided to do it again.  I realized that, although it's fine as "practice", I'd rather not complete my goals drunk.  Also, I want to try them on my own, and/or on the street as well.

So I went to an international party by myself.  I'm not a big fan of those, but they are great places to practice stuff and warm up for the rest of the night.  Plus, thanks to connections, I usually get into them for free.  So I had one drink, not nearly enough for me to even get tipsy, and went to work.  I didn't say "Hi!  What's your name?" to everyone, but pretty close.  Although it seems obvious objectively, it isn't until you really experience how friendly and welcome most people are that you start to realize just how much we inhibit OURSELVES, rather than are inhibited (by society or whatever bullshit).  Once you warm up, it becomes very natural and enjoyable to be sociable, even if you are an introvert like me.

Last weekend I was going through something tough so, even though I went out, I didn't complete any assignments.  No matter, I have plans to do so next weekend.

I'm going to greet and ask the name of everyone in whatever venue I wind up in next time.  That will be the very first thing I do.  I may even start with the most "difficult" people first (whoever looks weirdest or most intimidating).  If I don't go to any particular venue, I'll just walk up to some girls on the street and ask them.  I'm not sure how many or how long I'll do it, I'll probably gauge it in the moment.

In addition I have a "party" game I wanna try.  If I get a chance, I'll post about it next time.

Wedding weekend

Went to my first bonafide full-on wedding last Saturday.  Prior to that I attended a former student's wedding after party, but this time I was there for the whole shebang.  It was two hours of a lot of sermonizing (both literally and figuratively), a lot of trite and contrived well-wishings and enskying to God and love and all that.  I think it's great to praise and honor love, but next time do it with a little more heart and a little less head.

Anyway, after that was the more pleasant (albeit expensive) reception.

My goal this weekend was just to say "Hi, what's your name?" to everyone.  I got off to a very tenative start at the dinner.  I was exhausted and very much in my head, and mostly stuck to chatting with people I had met at the wedding or on the bus ride over to dinner.  But after a bit of assistance from the free wine, champagne and beer, I was off and running up to and at the after party.  I didn't quite say hi to everyone, and I was a bit intoxicated (though considerably less than the time before), but I must have approached at least 75% of the people, and I tried it a little differently than I had expected to.  See, I've been watching a bunch of the short (generally less than 10 minute) RSD videos on you tube, and I decided to give their way a try: I was very direct and assertive.  Rather than "Hi... what's YOUR name?" my approach was "HEY! What's your name?"  The responses were interesting.  It was very attention grabbing.

Regardless, I'm going to try this again, preferably with EVERYONE in the venue AND more sober.  Should be fun.

I'm going to keep this one brief since I'm off to work in about five minutes.

pushing past comfort

I've decided to take it upon myself to try something that feels uncomfortable because you're not "supposed to" do it at least once a week.  Generally these things are to be conducted in social settings because, quite simply, most of our actual discomfort comes from human interaction.  There's very little discomfort to be found in solitude.  Where I tend to think we feel the most acute discomfort is in defying what we have been socially conditioned to accept as inappropriate or improper behavior.  I'm not going to go so far as to do anything criminal or intentionally malicious or harmful, but things that other people may potentially dislike.

I'm going to start slow and easy.  The goal was simply to walk up to people (particularly women) and playing a simple guessing game with them.  Just bring a friend and say "We want to guess something about you," state what it is and then guess it.  That's it.

I didn't do it as much as I would like to have and I was more intoxicated than I initially wanted to be, but I did it, and it was fun.  One group of girls walked off on us before we got a chance to ask them anything, a few groups of people ignored us, but most were friendly and I even got a few hugs and one pair of girls asked if they could take a picture with us.

The point was to demonstrate to myself experientially that not only will no harm come to us for trying such a thing but that it can be enjoyable, not just to ourselves but to the people talking.  We found out, for instance, that one guy and girl just got married.  Another Korean guy started asking me stuff and tried to engage us in conversation, even after my friend told me he looked like he wanted to punch somebody so I shouldn't talk to him.

Something else struck me, and it wasn't until I got home and contemplated the night that it started bothering me.

I have another friend who has been, on and off, doing this sort of thing on a regular basis (granted, with attractive females exclusively, which I consider even more admirable).  I've gone out with him a couple times, and realized that any expectations I felt were only self-imposed: he never criticized or ridiculed any results I got.

This time it was different.  There was a group of five of us, and a couple times I was "rejected" outright.  Two of them laughed at the rejections.  I was a bit perplexed and I realized why: first, it seemed as though they thought of rejection as the status quo, or what was "supposed to" happen, rather than an anomaly.  Second, their comments proceding the laughter seemed to indicate that they were "better" with women than me, as they have not yet "failed" and so by default, they have a score of zero and I have a negative score.  I realize that's overly analytical, but I see no other reason to celebrate another person's perceived failure and the fact that NONE of them took any initiative the whole night leads me to believe this.

That's the other thing: NONE of them took ANY initiative (i.e. any risk).  I had to push them to enter into an interaction with me, and every time I did they expected me to lead and make the decisions.  I figured since it was my idea I was obliged to start, so I took each one of them, one at a time, and walked up to a person or two people or a group and initiated the conversation.  After that, I basically said "Ok, your turn." and no one did anything, so again I said "Ok, I'll go with you, but you have to come up with a question."  None of them did.  When it came time to asking, they each turned to me and said some variation of "What should I ask?"

They were also very anal about the actual game itself, missing the point that the game was irrelevant; it was a conscience excuse to get them to do something they unconsciously wanted to do: interact with women.  When I woud ask a binary question: "We're guessing whether or not you're students.  I say you are." they would get huffy about how they weren't prepared for the question or that it was an either/or question so they didn't get to creatively come up with an answer.  This baffled me.  Who cares?  It's a game!

Finally, in between interactions, there was no interest in pursuing it.  They all agreed to come out with me and try it, but once an interaction ended they would begin conversation that had nothing to do with their current surroundings; nothing about what questions to ask or who to approach or what was going on around them AT THE MOMENT.  It was all intellectual talk, talk absorbed in the future, the past or the abstract.  It struck me to just what propensity men will often try to "escape" even the slightest stress about what is actually happening by retreating into their heads or into conventional patterns of behavior.

I don't blame them, but I feel a little let down.  They seemed gung ho to try something silly, but when it came time to pay the piper, they seemed to back down, with commonly accepted mediocrity as their excuse.  I'm a bit torn in terms of what to do.  I'm not going to quit, but would it be best to do this alone?  Or to find more like minded people and limit myself to doing it with them?  Or to continue pushing people I consider friends to trying new things?  I think, deep down, most of these men WANT to push themselves, and maybe even want someone to help them do that, but I also think it doesn't matter what you WANT, it matters what you're willing to DO to get what you want, and I'm not sure how willing they are to be unconventional.

This was a first step, a baby step.  It's only going to get incremently more challenging from here.  Not necessarily more "exciting", but more challenging.  It will take stretching, it will take feeling discomfort and embarrassment and nervousness.  But that's the whole point: in the end, I will still be alive, and grateful for it.