New Direction... again?

It's been an interesting ride so far. I've been doing a fair bit of reading. Part of that is rereading David Deida's Way of the Superior Man. I've been rereading that a lot lately. Not only do I agree with the values it proposes, but I like the way it's written; it's open, intuitive. I've spent months, if not years, trying to improve myself with women. Like a typical learning curve, my improvement hit me like a ton of bricks recently. I felt overwhelmed. I still do, but I'm handling it better. I was seriously considering giving it up completely and settling for one girl, but I've decided against that. I recently re-acknowledged the fact that, like anything else in life, I'm going to make mistakes. It's a natural part of the process, unavoidable. On top of that, it's perfectly fine. I have decided to allow myself the mistakes and to allow myself to try things for the first time to experience them for myself.

I had a very open talk with Yasuko. I told her that I see other girls and at some point she's going to see or find out. She seemed surprised. Intriguingly, the intention was to end things with her, because I felt she (and I) was getting too attached. I care about her a lot. I even told her I love her, which is true. Yasuko is not a girl who is going to be my "one." Not ever. But she's a great girl, and she seems to understand and accept where I'm at. That was the upside: She seems cool with it, at least for now. However, she seems to feel that a) she's more privileged than the other girls and b) she know has the right to ask me whatever she wants. I'm actually fine with A, except for when she finds out one day. I don't like B and I want it to stop. Other than that, I was pleasantly surprised by the whole thing.

Michiyo and Rina seem ideal right now; they don't ask questions or make demands and are willing to let things happen naturally.

The one thing is, though, I realized that Yasuko offers me something that I'm not sure Michiyo or Rina can or want to offer: I can go out with Yasuko and totally be myself; flirt with girls, kiss other girls, get their numbers. She accepts it. Rina and Michiyo really understand me deeply and I feel we connect on a deeper level, but I wonder how they'd handle a similar situation.

I realized I don't require a girl to fulfill all these things for me, but I would like at least one girl who I can take out with me in public, one girl who I can connect with and be open with, and one girl who can keep things casual, fun and infrequent. They don't have to be the same girl. But I'm quite sure I wouldn't be satisfied with one girl at this point. Ideally, one girl who is my girlfriend, who I can take out and who connects me with, and then lets me have the other fun girls.

I realized I don't have time for multiple intimate relationships. I also realized that I brought them upon myself. I spent too much time with the girls and was too open too fast. I had a similar problem before, except this time it was delayed; I was wise enough to wait until we were sexually intimate to really open myself, but even then, it was too soon, too much. So I'm still learning to space it out. I tried seeing seven girls every week and I got burnt out. Rina and Michiyo seem very flexible, so it won't be hard rearranging the situation with them. I basically told Kayo that I didn't think we should meet any more cuz she was getting too attached. She told me she still wanted to see me and that she would try to cool down. I stood Sayo up and she still wants to see me. Makiko is flexible. Ai is busy anyway and needs her freedom. So I've decided I'll keep things the way they are with Yasuko, Rina and Michiyo and I'll try the new "plan" with the others.

The plan is from now on, I only invite new girls out once a month. They can pursue me more persistently if they want. Only random contact, meeting for a short time, very convenient times only. After awhile, if they seem cool or close to my ideal, maybe twice a month. No more than 4 "girlfriends." The rest are for fun.

I really want more time to myself. There is still so much left to do in my life besides women. For the most part, the idea of pursuing new ones leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Can't be fucked. But every once in awhile they come out of the woodwork; girls from my past, people I meet at parties, girls on mixi, etc.

I went to an international party on Sunday that I didn't feel like going to. Yasuko coaxed me. Without the alcohol, I don't know how I could have brought out the party side, but it came out. Big time. Had a good time, but felt exhausted after. Could have gotten about half a dozen numbers, only bothered with two. Dunno if I'm gonna bother contacting those girls are not. The only ones worth it would take some serious effort, and I don't feel like putting in the effort at this juncture.

I still have a long ways to go, a lot to learn, and a lot is still confusing for me, but things are slowly starting to become clearer. I'm in control of my life, my activities and my state. I lead things and I make the decisions. Everyone else can hop on board or get off, their choice. I'm a lot stronger and more sure of myself than I have ever been, so I know I'll be alright. I'll continue to make a LOT of mistakes from here on out. A lot of people, myself included, will get hurt. Then we'll grow and become even better.

There's a lot more to say, but I'm going to leave it there.

Little idea

A few weeks ago I pondered a situation: About once a week I go to this cafe near my place called Cafe Veloce. One particular day I went there there were four female employees, ALL cute. I love chatting with (or chatting up) girls working, but I was at a loss in that situation: If the chat went well with one of them, what do I do? Should I try to "network" and get a group meet? Do I wait until I can "isolate" them (when they work separately) and try to close all of them? Do I pick one?

I consulted a few friends and came up with my solution: Try chatting them all up at least once first, pick the one who seems the most fun (and hopefully most keen) and close her.

How did I come up with this solution?

I work at a culture center in Tenmabashi. There's a lobby where they give me the attendance sheet. About three cute girls work there, all friendly. Right before the lesson starts, one of them goes to the room to clean up. I usually get there early. I had a chat with one of the cuties named Tomoe. She was EXTREMELY keen and seemed cool enough. I didn't close her then, and it occurred to me that, even though the actual reason was that I didn't have the balls, it might work in my benefit: What if one of the other girls is MORE keen, or COOLER or both? So I decided I would wait til I had a chance to chat up the others, and then try closing the one I liked most.

Poof, idea is born.

Re-evaluation

For as long as I can remember, I wanted multiple intimate but non-exclusive relationships with lots of women. Now I have it. I would say as of about a week or two ago, I've got six "regulars", or girls I am having sex with regularly. I adore them all. There's Makiko who I've been seeing for about 2 years now. She's nowhere near what I want ideally, but it's easy to be with her, and she's never demanded anything out of our relationships. She also seems to really enjoy sex and has a cute butt. I've known Yasuko for awhile, but we've gotten more serious in the past couple months. She's actually very sweet and is good in bed and has a pretty tight body. Rina and I just started. She's a lot of fun, spunky, intelligent and cute. She also has two kids. She doesn't seem too serious, which is a good thing. Kayo is quite sexy, voracious in bed and is a challenge. Ai is extremely pretty, young, a challenge and seems adventuresome in bed. Maybe a bit troubled, though, we'll see. Michiyo is sweet, intelligent, upbeat and we have a lot of similarities. On top of these girls are a few girls who seem interested in starting something: Sayo, Miki, Ayano, etc.

So I finally got what I wanted. It's fantastic, and educational, but at the same time, it's opened me up to certain things.

The instigator was a house party I decided to have at my place. Prior to this experience, I just invited everybody and let the chips fall where they may during the party. I wound up making out with a girl last time, so I was satisfied. So I went ahead and did the same thing this time around as well. Mistake. I wound up inviting 3 of the girls I'm seeing to be in the same place at the same time with me. Doh.

A number of things have occurred to me:
I can't keep up six relationships simultaneously forever. I can possibly prolong them by either finding the right girls or lying, but they can't go on forever. Most, if not all, of them have to end at some point.
I love intimacy. I love building intimacy and getting to know people deeply and creating something together.
Women love intimacy. But they also love feeling special, exclusive.
I don't necessarily need intimacy.
I think it would be cool to be able to bring a girl out with me and flirt with other girls and make out with them with her there and have her be cool with it. I think I could be cool with it if I understood what our relationship was about, as well.
I can't possibly maintain relationships with every single girl I think is cool. I simply don't have the time or energy.
I love women. I think there are a ton of cool, attractive women out there and I want to get to know all of them.
Sex is a precursor to a deeper and more fulfilling relationship.
I have other things in my life that I want to focus on besides women. I can't keep this up forever.
I could have a shitload of relationships with women who are cool with meeting only once or twice a month, usually just for sex and time together, not dates.
I could reduce the number of girls I see so I can focus more time, energy and money on them. This would meeting upping the quality.
I could just let the chips fall where they may as far as how many women I'm seeing and how often and what types of relationships I'm establishing.
I could work towards having one exclusive relationship.
I could just go for one night stands, which would require me learning how to seduce a woman more quickly and effectively.
I could meet lots of new women through parties, events, bars and clubs. This requires money and time. It's easier to pull women home quickly from these events. I run the risk of establishing a reputation at these places and running into people.
I could meet new women on the streets. It'll challenge me in an area I feel weak at but be fun (and free) at the same time. It'd be harder to actually create relationships with these women, at least at first, but that's part of the challenge. There's no crossover with anything else I'm doing in my life.
I could meet women online. It's easier, but slower than meeting directly. It's also an area I don't have a lot of experience or confidence at.
I could work on trying to establish and maintain as many relationships as possible. This would satisfy my desire for variety and give me a lot of experience and knowledge about women. It would also satisfy my desire for relationships and/or intimacy. It could become complicated and it seems like the women would be susceptible to considering themselves my girlfriends. It would also probably take a lot of time, and potentially money and energy.
I could try to establish even more relationships, til I reach the breaking point, then let things fall as they may. This would, for a short period of time, be extremely exhausting and time consuming, but eventually things would sort themselves out. I would also not have time for meeting other women, which could be either a good or bad thing. I could wind up discovering a lot more. I am on a bit of a rush now, so it would be very possible for me to be able to add new people now, which might be fun since there's quite a few girls interested in me now, on top of the other ones.
I could increase my ideals, and eliminate any one who doesn't meet them. This would reduce the number of women I'm seeing, and would increase the quality. It would be harder to add new girls, though, and I might miss some interesting experiences.
I could go for only girls who are cool with and aware of the fact that I see others and/or girls who are fine with going out to social events with me and seeing me mess with others. This would reduce a lot of girls, ones who are also cool but simply would rather not be aware (i.e. have it thrust in their face). However, even though I may be missing out, this would also simplify a lot of things.
I could go exclusive. I can't imagine being satisfied by this, but it would be the simplest solution.

So why do I still pursue pick up? There are still a lot of things I have yet to experience:
-The ability to cold approach women
-The ability to quickly seduce women; same night lays, minimizing resistance, screening for sexual open-mindedness
-Being with super hot women
-Meeting my ideals or desired experiences (dating a dancer, dating a sexually open minded, dating a Chinese girl, etc.)
among many others.

There are so many beautiful women out there... but the end goal of simply saying hi to them is either to get laid and then ditch them or to establish relationships.

I don't see a lot of fulfillment out of getting laid once with a girl and then having nothing (or virtually nothing) to do with them. But maybe that's just because I haven't experienced it yet? Or because I see no point in just entering a person's life and then leaving it. I'm not sure. This is something I want to try some time. Or maybe, realistically, there is no such thing. Maybe it turns into something that lingers, but in a different way than a typical relationship, where you just reconnect when it works for both of you.

Relationships seem more fulfilling now... but they also take more time, energy and money. I can go on having one night stands til I get tired of them; there's limitless potential, but there's a limit to how many relationships I can maintain in a satisfying way. How do I determine this limit? How much time and energy am I willing to dedicate to them? How do I choose between different ones? What do I do when new opportunities arise? Is my priorities new experiences or building old ones? What do I get out of maintaining multiple relationships? What do women want out of them? What do I do when I feel overwhelmed? How do I decide who to drop and who to maintain? What am I offering to women through this? What are my beliefs about love, romance, women and men, sex, monogamy and polygamy, freedom?

So many questions and so little experience.