It's been an interesting ride so far. I've been doing a fair bit of reading. Part of that is rereading David Deida's Way of the Superior Man. I've been rereading that a lot lately. Not only do I agree with the values it proposes, but I like the way it's written; it's open, intuitive. I've spent months, if not years, trying to improve myself with women. Like a typical learning curve, my improvement hit me like a ton of bricks recently. I felt overwhelmed. I still do, but I'm handling it better. I was seriously considering giving it up completely and settling for one girl, but I've decided against that. I recently re-acknowledged the fact that, like anything else in life, I'm going to make mistakes. It's a natural part of the process, unavoidable. On top of that, it's perfectly fine. I have decided to allow myself the mistakes and to allow myself to try things for the first time to experience them for myself.
I had a very open talk with Yasuko. I told her that I see other girls and at some point she's going to see or find out. She seemed surprised. Intriguingly, the intention was to end things with her, because I felt she (and I) was getting too attached. I care about her a lot. I even told her I love her, which is true. Yasuko is not a girl who is going to be my "one." Not ever. But she's a great girl, and she seems to understand and accept where I'm at. That was the upside: She seems cool with it, at least for now. However, she seems to feel that a) she's more privileged than the other girls and b) she know has the right to ask me whatever she wants. I'm actually fine with A, except for when she finds out one day. I don't like B and I want it to stop. Other than that, I was pleasantly surprised by the whole thing.
Michiyo and Rina seem ideal right now; they don't ask questions or make demands and are willing to let things happen naturally.
The one thing is, though, I realized that Yasuko offers me something that I'm not sure Michiyo or Rina can or want to offer: I can go out with Yasuko and totally be myself; flirt with girls, kiss other girls, get their numbers. She accepts it. Rina and Michiyo really understand me deeply and I feel we connect on a deeper level, but I wonder how they'd handle a similar situation.
I realized I don't require a girl to fulfill all these things for me, but I would like at least one girl who I can take out with me in public, one girl who I can connect with and be open with, and one girl who can keep things casual, fun and infrequent. They don't have to be the same girl. But I'm quite sure I wouldn't be satisfied with one girl at this point. Ideally, one girl who is my girlfriend, who I can take out and who connects me with, and then lets me have the other fun girls.
I realized I don't have time for multiple intimate relationships. I also realized that I brought them upon myself. I spent too much time with the girls and was too open too fast. I had a similar problem before, except this time it was delayed; I was wise enough to wait until we were sexually intimate to really open myself, but even then, it was too soon, too much. So I'm still learning to space it out. I tried seeing seven girls every week and I got burnt out. Rina and Michiyo seem very flexible, so it won't be hard rearranging the situation with them. I basically told Kayo that I didn't think we should meet any more cuz she was getting too attached. She told me she still wanted to see me and that she would try to cool down. I stood Sayo up and she still wants to see me. Makiko is flexible. Ai is busy anyway and needs her freedom. So I've decided I'll keep things the way they are with Yasuko, Rina and Michiyo and I'll try the new "plan" with the others.
The plan is from now on, I only invite new girls out once a month. They can pursue me more persistently if they want. Only random contact, meeting for a short time, very convenient times only. After awhile, if they seem cool or close to my ideal, maybe twice a month. No more than 4 "girlfriends." The rest are for fun.
I really want more time to myself. There is still so much left to do in my life besides women. For the most part, the idea of pursuing new ones leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Can't be fucked. But every once in awhile they come out of the woodwork; girls from my past, people I meet at parties, girls on mixi, etc.
I went to an international party on Sunday that I didn't feel like going to. Yasuko coaxed me. Without the alcohol, I don't know how I could have brought out the party side, but it came out. Big time. Had a good time, but felt exhausted after. Could have gotten about half a dozen numbers, only bothered with two. Dunno if I'm gonna bother contacting those girls are not. The only ones worth it would take some serious effort, and I don't feel like putting in the effort at this juncture.
I still have a long ways to go, a lot to learn, and a lot is still confusing for me, but things are slowly starting to become clearer. I'm in control of my life, my activities and my state. I lead things and I make the decisions. Everyone else can hop on board or get off, their choice. I'm a lot stronger and more sure of myself than I have ever been, so I know I'll be alright. I'll continue to make a LOT of mistakes from here on out. A lot of people, myself included, will get hurt. Then we'll grow and become even better.
There's a lot more to say, but I'm going to leave it there.
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